I spent too long hiding in my boxes and piles of clothes, waiting to fall into a decision on staying and trying to make things work or just letting it go and leaving it all behind.
Mike wrote me a lengthy letter, his sweet side. Leaving it taped to my car so I’d find it in the morning… I love finding those…He told me his heart, his problems… and the never-ending limbo I feel I’m stuck in just replayed in his words.
That night, I broke down.
I cried until no sound came out and then passed out on my couch under a pile of blankets. My stomach hurt, my heart hurt… I can’t eat, I have no appetite.
I love him. That will never change…
But I just can’t do it anymore.
I packed up my house in less than 24hrs, loaded everything in a U-haul, and at 1 am, I was on the road further north, just hoping the information on my transfer came through before I reached my destination.
Even with my boss’s reluctance, she finalized the transfer, along with a promotion as a thank you for all my long days with her. I cried for 15 minutes at a gas station when I saw her email. She knows the real reason I left, and I didn’t expect her to be so kind and understanding with it all.
I arrived to my new apartment just as the office was opening. I spent 2hrs filling out paperwork and checking over my new home.
I threw myself into unpacking and making this place feel as much like home as I could. Tv first, so I could kill the silence with something. But everything just feels off here. I feel unsettled and lost.
I need a fresh start.
I left half my belongings in the U-haul, found the nearest shelter and donated everything.
As I waited for my Uber to pick me up from the U-Haul drop off location, I thought about how I could change here. What I could do to better myself and not let myself stay in the broken mindset.
I still don’t have a solid plan.
But I have 2 weeks before I start with the new branch, and maybe by then, I’ll have some idea of what I’m doing.