Part… 8

I spent the next two weeks working my butt off.

I packed, I unpacked, I took on extra hours at work, I took a tutoring gig helping my neighbors preteens with their school work. Since COVID has schools shut down, kids seems a bit lost now, heck I’m lost now.

Their daughter Samantha wants to be a journalist, she currently writes dramitized articles on what goes on throughout her day and we read them of an evening. She is good, and I admit, the stories do help take my mind off of the things going on now.

Their son Johnathan, wants nothing more than to study History and look at old things. These past weeks he has been obsessed with World War 2. Watching his face and enthusiasm as he talks about the details of each page he’s read and his thoughts on every outcome… I wish I had that kind of fire burning in me right now.

I think my mindset right now is nothing more than ‘Keep busy’. It’s hard to find enough to keep my mind occupied with everything in the world being shut down still and uncertain. So many people are out of work right now or scared to start back at work. I don’t think anyone really knows what to expect or what moves they should be making next. Its comforting to know I’m not alone.

Mike has been giving me the space I’ve needed over these past two weeks too. I agreed to meet with him after I met a deadline with my company, since this project marks the end of my contract with them and opens up the opportunity to either move on or re-up.

Which means I’m either moving or staying put…

I’m anxious about everything right now.

What moves do I make?

What is right, what is wrong?

Where’s the How to book for my life ? lol

I hope someone is finding my dilemma’s interesting…

A.G

Here’s where I stand… 7

Hey you…

My phone buzzed its way across the desk and lite up my room. There he was.

It’s been at least a week since we last talked. I told him I needed to be alone. I needed time to think and to organize my thoughts, and him trying to help me, wasn’t helpful at all.

Are you sleeping? Emma, can we talk yet?…

What put me on his mind tonight? Was he just bored?

I stumbled across the floor, forgetting where I had pushed some of the boxes to before my faint attempt at a good night’s sleep.

I took my phone to the living room, poured a cup of coffee and turned on my series of fairy lights that trailed across the walls, and traced out my living room. They gave the room just enough light read by and made me feel cozy whenever I turned them on. I turned the tv on and pressed play on the Detective Lynley episode I had been watching earlier.

Sitting down with my coffee, I looked around the room filled with partially packed boxes and the array of items I’d already changed my mind on and unpacked. I peeked at my phone as it chimed again reminding me I hadn’t opened the text messages… And I still didn’t want to, not yet.

Sighing out of frustration. I leaned back in my chair and sipped my coffee. Sleep wasn’t happening, so why not help me keep my mental state awakened with some caffeine.

He’s waiting on my decision. Whether or not I’m leaving or staying and what that means for us… And as the boxes scattered across my house and voicemails left unanswered show…I can’t make up my mind.

Mike makes me wonder if he is a smart move.

And that’s where my friends tell me I’m self-sabotaging.

I need to move in 2 months. And I have the option to transfer to one of two locations… One moving me to London, someplace I’ve always longed to visit, if not live. Truly a dream come true.

Or, one that keeps me close to him. A job just as good in every way except for the location of course. Nothing beats London views in my opinion. I’d be trading travel for staying put, and putting myself out there to try something that I’m more unsure about than moving to a different country.

Matters of the head / Matters of the heart.

Part of me wants London, it’s been a part of my life since my first memory. But then there’s Mike… And part of me wants to know how long this feeling will make it. Part of me knows that if I leave, I will be leaving a huge part of me behind and that I will always wonder ”what if”.

What if I tried…

What if I loosened up a bit and stopped living my life so planned out and tried the ”roll the dice and see where they land” lifestyle my mother keeps telling me would do me some good.

What if seems to be all I can come up with anymore.

Th legal pad sitting on my table doesn’t show signs of helping either. Page after page of lists and the infamous pros and cons column. I’m glad it’s only Friday night and I’ve got the weekend to work out my headspace in silence. Trying to battle with my head while keeping up face at work is not so very easy.

It seems everything is demanding my attention these days and nothing is getting the right amount of it…

Maybe I need to get out of here…

A.G.

Leaving the beach… 5

The drive home no longer feels normal, I left him there, I needed to leave before I broke down any further.

I’m so tired of this weird feeling…

I wish I could define it a little better in my head. Or I wish I didn’t feel it at all. I can’t escape him, he’s in my dreams and in my every thought. Everything I do makes me think of him… It just doesn’t feel ”normal” without him….

Why?

I sat mindlessly at work.

I felt like I was in one of those skits where my body doesn’t move at all but everything around me changes and the world carries on. Per usual no one seemed to notice my mood.

By lunch Mike I had sent me 23 messages. Every time I felt my phone ring and I saw his name, my heart sank in my chests. I couldn’t bring myself to look at them… It’s not that I left him on a bad note, it’s the fact that I left with so much left to say.

Even now I want to pour my every thought into my phone and tell him everything that’s in my head. All the things that scare me, everything that makes me happy, and that loving him is probably the scariest feeling of them all…

But I can’t. I just can’t.

The house is empty and I’ve never noticed how silent these rooms could be until now… I still don’t want to talk to Mike or think about anything that has to do with him right now. I need to decompress and collect myself. He can wait.

The sun is setting and the golden glow is falling perfectly over the gazebo. My painting easel is still set up from the other day, I’m glad that storm didn’t come through last night like I had heard.

I sat there until the moon was high and the only light I had was coming from my string of Christmas lights that run along with the trim on the roof and follow the path to the house. I accomplished little with my canvas, apart from a few erased sketches, blue painted corners, and one pair of ruined jeans.

Walking inside I picked up my phone. 6 more messages…

The last one only says ”Hey, I love you…”

~A.G~

Always confused… 4

I needed this.

I needed to sit here and feel the sand beneath my feet, taste the salt in the air and let the breeze clear you from my thoughts.

My phone buzzed right before it died, you texted that you were on your way and apologized for being late. The screen went black before I could read the rest of it… I do miss you. I want to see you… but damn I’m so confused right now.

A couple is walking their dog along the waters edge. She’s splashing in the tide as is comes in and goes out, she’s just a pup and a cute one at that.

I wish my phone was charged. I feel the pull to text you back and tell you where I am, or to go back to the hotel and wait just a little longer for you. But no.

I’m not leaving this spot. Even if I just sit here and cry… I’m staying here…

The couple has walked so far down the beach I can’t see them anymore, but I can still hear the pup barking and playing in the distance.

I wonder what time it is? I have to have been here for at least a half hour or better.

My phone is still dead. Not sure why I even look at it, I know I haven’t charged it. I haven’t left this spot but to scoot back a little bit further from the tide.

I wish you’d just show up and hug me right now. Like you know me well enough to know that I would be here…

It’s so quiet right now.

Emma?

My heart just sunk and I think I’m going to be sick.

What are you doing out here?

Mike?!

I turned to look over my shoulder, and there he stood. His hands in the pocket of his hoodie and his shoulders slightly shrugged like he was feeling a little chilled, or nervous.

How? How did you know I was here?

I’m tossed between feeling scared and yet madly in love with the fact that you showed up and found me here.

He sat down beside me and pulled me close to him in one of those tight “I’ve got you” hugs that always make me melt to pieces with the feeling of safety and comfort.

I took a wrong turn and I saw your car while I was getting turned around. How come you’re not answering your phone? I tried to call you.

It died. And I forgot my charger. I inhaled his cologne as I squeezed his chest closer to me. Fuck.

He kissed my forehead.

So… what are you doing out here?

I don’t know. Honestly, I don’t know.

I moved back a bit to the spot I had been sitting in. As much as I want to stay curled up in his arms… I don’t think I can handle it right now.

Hey. I know. I know it’s not easy with us.

But damn Emma, I don’t want to be apart from you. I am happy with you. Do we need more than that?

Do we?

If only I could tell you why this is so hard for me. I want to tell you so much… but right now I just can’t.

But I can’t tell you that right now either… so I don’t.

~A.G~

I waited for you… 3

I waited for you.

And I told myself that that was the last time I would waste any more moments of my life waiting on you to show up and show me you give a crap about me.

But here I am again.  Waiting.  It’s been almost an hour and I haven’t heard anything from you.  I’ve been replaying last night. How you subtly brushed into me and slipped these keys into my hand and told me that you needed to see me. “I miss you, please.” You texted after you walked away. In that moment my mind ran from excitement to worry, from confusion to comfort…  And now I’m here again, confused, frustrated… hoping…waiting. I can’t convince myself to leave and stop waiting for you. Why can’t I leave you? Why can’t I leave you hanging on the thought that I didn’t show? God, that would be such karmic justice.

These damn keys. I spin them around on my finger until they fly off and fall to the floor board on the passenger side. Ugh!

I get out, go around the car and scoop up the keys. The sky is pitch black making the stars seem brighter than normal and the moon is so engorged I can feel it’s energy. Between the moon and the smell of sea salt in the air… damn you. I get back in the car and slam the door shut, I crack the windows to let the the salt air in and I sit back and I wait.    Lights flash into the parking lot, my heart skips a beat and my breath catches in my throat for split second. You’re here?.. It’s not you, the sedan parks and a couple gets out and carry’s their sleeping child into the hotel lobby.

And just like that, I feel broken. Like you have physically sliced into my heart and I just sit here bleeding. I let you do this, I gave you the power to make me feel small and insignificant.

But dammit! I do miss you. I feel so drawn to you, that I can’t sleep unless I pass out thinking of you beside me.

I’m getting anxious and it’s driving me to sickness, I can’t wait here like this. I turn on my headlights and pull out of the parking lot like I just murdered someone in one of the rooms.

Slow down Emma, you don’t need to bring attention to yourself.

What if you’re parking right now? What if you just passed me and your parking right now? NOPE! I’m not going to think about that, I’m going to keep driving. You’ve still not so much as texted me.

I park outside of a closed shop, I’m better off walking for a bit instead of driving like a mad women down the road. The last thing I need in my life right now is a speeding ticket or a night in jail. Besides that, the sound of the waves, the smell the of sea air and this beautiful sky is screaming for me to enjoy it. It’s calling me to get lost.

And that’s what I need right now… to be lost from you.

 

~A.G