Here’s where I stand… 7

Hey you…

My phone buzzed its way across the desk and lite up my room. There he was.

It’s been at least a week since we last talked. I told him I needed to be alone. I needed time to think and to organize my thoughts, and him trying to help me, wasn’t helpful at all.

Are you sleeping? Emma, can we talk yet?…

What put me on his mind tonight? Was he just bored?

I stumbled across the floor, forgetting where I had pushed some of the boxes to before my faint attempt at a good night’s sleep.

I took my phone to the living room, poured a cup of coffee and turned on my series of fairy lights that trailed across the walls, and traced out my living room. They gave the room just enough light read by and made me feel cozy whenever I turned them on. I turned the tv on and pressed play on the Detective Lynley episode I had been watching earlier.

Sitting down with my coffee, I looked around the room filled with partially packed boxes and the array of items I’d already changed my mind on and unpacked. I peeked at my phone as it chimed again reminding me I hadn’t opened the text messages… And I still didn’t want to, not yet.

Sighing out of frustration. I leaned back in my chair and sipped my coffee. Sleep wasn’t happening, so why not help me keep my mental state awakened with some caffeine.

He’s waiting on my decision. Whether or not I’m leaving or staying and what that means for us… And as the boxes scattered across my house and voicemails left unanswered show…I can’t make up my mind.

Mike makes me wonder if he is a smart move.

And that’s where my friends tell me I’m self-sabotaging.

I need to move in 2 months. And I have the option to transfer to one of two locations… One moving me to London, someplace I’ve always longed to visit, if not live. Truly a dream come true.

Or, one that keeps me close to him. A job just as good in every way except for the location of course. Nothing beats London views in my opinion. I’d be trading travel for staying put, and putting myself out there to try something that I’m more unsure about than moving to a different country.

Matters of the head / Matters of the heart.

Part of me wants London, it’s been a part of my life since my first memory. But then there’s Mike… And part of me wants to know how long this feeling will make it. Part of me knows that if I leave, I will be leaving a huge part of me behind and that I will always wonder ”what if”.

What if I tried…

What if I loosened up a bit and stopped living my life so planned out and tried the ”roll the dice and see where they land” lifestyle my mother keeps telling me would do me some good.

What if seems to be all I can come up with anymore.

Th legal pad sitting on my table doesn’t show signs of helping either. Page after page of lists and the infamous pros and cons column. I’m glad it’s only Friday night and I’ve got the weekend to work out my headspace in silence. Trying to battle with my head while keeping up face at work is not so very easy.

It seems everything is demanding my attention these days and nothing is getting the right amount of it…

Maybe I need to get out of here…

A.G.

Book things

So weirdly enough, my debut novel has had more acknowledgment this and last month , than it has since it was originally published 😳

I’ve read a lot of pieces from authors who claim that the more books you have the better sales you get. Simply because readers like to be able to buy more and not have to wait.

I get that. I hate waiting for sequels to books I love or TV series.

You wait around to long and you end up losing interest.

What are some series (books or tv) that you lost interest in before the next instalment arrived?

Riverdale was a biggie for me. I’m just now getting back into it and finishing the latest season.

~Jen

Leaving the beach… 5

The drive home no longer feels normal, I left him there, I needed to leave before I broke down any further.

I’m so tired of this weird feeling…

I wish I could define it a little better in my head. Or I wish I didn’t feel it at all. I can’t escape him, he’s in my dreams and in my every thought. Everything I do makes me think of him… It just doesn’t feel ”normal” without him….

Why?

I sat mindlessly at work.

I felt like I was in one of those skits where my body doesn’t move at all but everything around me changes and the world carries on. Per usual no one seemed to notice my mood.

By lunch Mike I had sent me 23 messages. Every time I felt my phone ring and I saw his name, my heart sank in my chests. I couldn’t bring myself to look at them… It’s not that I left him on a bad note, it’s the fact that I left with so much left to say.

Even now I want to pour my every thought into my phone and tell him everything that’s in my head. All the things that scare me, everything that makes me happy, and that loving him is probably the scariest feeling of them all…

But I can’t. I just can’t.

The house is empty and I’ve never noticed how silent these rooms could be until now… I still don’t want to talk to Mike or think about anything that has to do with him right now. I need to decompress and collect myself. He can wait.

The sun is setting and the golden glow is falling perfectly over the gazebo. My painting easel is still set up from the other day, I’m glad that storm didn’t come through last night like I had heard.

I sat there until the moon was high and the only light I had was coming from my string of Christmas lights that run along with the trim on the roof and follow the path to the house. I accomplished little with my canvas, apart from a few erased sketches, blue painted corners, and one pair of ruined jeans.

Walking inside I picked up my phone. 6 more messages…

The last one only says ”Hey, I love you…”

~A.G~

Why?…

Wow this year has already been crazy as hell 😬

Seriously.

If you’re unhappy with your life, your job, your relationship, your living situation… why are you staying put? Why are you putting up with it? Why are you accepting defeat?

Why?

I feel like I’ve been the complaint department over the last month. I’ve had people coming to me from all aspects of my life to vent and inform me of situations that have been bothering them. Some of them aren’t really even a part of my life, they just happen to be working around me or near my crews and decided I have a good ear. Most of the time I don’t mind listening to people’s problems, I have no issue with helping someone figure something out or simply being someone who can help them with the load they feel they have on their shoulders.

What irritates me is when I know there is a simple solution to it and try to explain that, and am completely ignored by the people that could help…

It’s like being lost at sea.

And I feel twice as bad because someone has come to me and expressed a concerned or discomfort and I can’t do a thing to help because no one wants to have our backs or listen to my opinion. Might as well be a backstabber and pot stirrer, they get more help and are listened to more clearly than anyone else 🤷🏻‍♀️

And more to that.

If you’re unhappy with how things are, why are you ruining the moral of the ones who are happy? Are you that miserable that you need everyone else to be too? I think my biggest “I need to talk to you” topic lately has been in regards to someone feeling depressed and upset because someone else has been consistently bringing them down with their mumbles and complaints about things as small as “why the hell does so-and-so keep sneezing?” 😂

I mean really. I’ve heard someone complaining about how a guy sneezed 6 times and it annoyed him 😅🤷🏻‍♀️

It’s sad when the spark leaves someone. It’s heartbreaking to watch as someone shrivels up and loses their passion… What can you do to fix that? What can you do when it seems like there is nothing you can do?

-Jen

Eager to sit back and relax??

I can’t believe I actually posted that comment… do I even know myself? I’m not the relaxing type lol

Book 3 is well underway and it’s nothing like my Victorian era books. I had been a little worried I would fall into a category and would only be able to write certain things, but then I realised, I am my own category. I write what pulls me, what draws me in and won’t let me go. I write until I feel that story has been released.

Sometimes It’s a full book, sometimes it’s only a page or two, sometimes it’s submitting one article on a topic I recently found interesting.

I write what I feel needs to be written. And right now, a lot is screaming to be read.

So why on earth would I have said I’m read to sit back and relax??? 😅🤦🏻‍♀️

Here’s to new beginnings and realising the ghosts.

Happy July 2020 everyone!

May the year start looking up!

~Jen