Here’s where I stand… 7

Hey you…

My phone buzzed its way across the desk and lite up my room. There he was.

It’s been at least a week since we last talked. I told him I needed to be alone. I needed time to think and to organize my thoughts, and him trying to help me, wasn’t helpful at all.

Are you sleeping? Emma, can we talk yet?…

What put me on his mind tonight? Was he just bored?

I stumbled across the floor, forgetting where I had pushed some of the boxes to before my faint attempt at a good night’s sleep.

I took my phone to the living room, poured a cup of coffee and turned on my series of fairy lights that trailed across the walls, and traced out my living room. They gave the room just enough light read by and made me feel cozy whenever I turned them on. I turned the tv on and pressed play on the Detective Lynley episode I had been watching earlier.

Sitting down with my coffee, I looked around the room filled with partially packed boxes and the array of items I’d already changed my mind on and unpacked. I peeked at my phone as it chimed again reminding me I hadn’t opened the text messages… And I still didn’t want to, not yet.

Sighing out of frustration. I leaned back in my chair and sipped my coffee. Sleep wasn’t happening, so why not help me keep my mental state awakened with some caffeine.

He’s waiting on my decision. Whether or not I’m leaving or staying and what that means for us… And as the boxes scattered across my house and voicemails left unanswered show…I can’t make up my mind.

Mike makes me wonder if he is a smart move.

And that’s where my friends tell me I’m self-sabotaging.

I need to move in 2 months. And I have the option to transfer to one of two locations… One moving me to London, someplace I’ve always longed to visit, if not live. Truly a dream come true.

Or, one that keeps me close to him. A job just as good in every way except for the location of course. Nothing beats London views in my opinion. I’d be trading travel for staying put, and putting myself out there to try something that I’m more unsure about than moving to a different country.

Matters of the head / Matters of the heart.

Part of me wants London, it’s been a part of my life since my first memory. But then there’s Mike… And part of me wants to know how long this feeling will make it. Part of me knows that if I leave, I will be leaving a huge part of me behind and that I will always wonder ”what if”.

What if I tried…

What if I loosened up a bit and stopped living my life so planned out and tried the ”roll the dice and see where they land” lifestyle my mother keeps telling me would do me some good.

What if seems to be all I can come up with anymore.

Th legal pad sitting on my table doesn’t show signs of helping either. Page after page of lists and the infamous pros and cons column. I’m glad it’s only Friday night and I’ve got the weekend to work out my headspace in silence. Trying to battle with my head while keeping up face at work is not so very easy.

It seems everything is demanding my attention these days and nothing is getting the right amount of it…

Maybe I need to get out of here…

A.G.

Leaving the beach… 5

The drive home no longer feels normal, I left him there, I needed to leave before I broke down any further.

I’m so tired of this weird feeling…

I wish I could define it a little better in my head. Or I wish I didn’t feel it at all. I can’t escape him, he’s in my dreams and in my every thought. Everything I do makes me think of him… It just doesn’t feel ”normal” without him….

Why?

I sat mindlessly at work.

I felt like I was in one of those skits where my body doesn’t move at all but everything around me changes and the world carries on. Per usual no one seemed to notice my mood.

By lunch Mike I had sent me 23 messages. Every time I felt my phone ring and I saw his name, my heart sank in my chests. I couldn’t bring myself to look at them… It’s not that I left him on a bad note, it’s the fact that I left with so much left to say.

Even now I want to pour my every thought into my phone and tell him everything that’s in my head. All the things that scare me, everything that makes me happy, and that loving him is probably the scariest feeling of them all…

But I can’t. I just can’t.

The house is empty and I’ve never noticed how silent these rooms could be until now… I still don’t want to talk to Mike or think about anything that has to do with him right now. I need to decompress and collect myself. He can wait.

The sun is setting and the golden glow is falling perfectly over the gazebo. My painting easel is still set up from the other day, I’m glad that storm didn’t come through last night like I had heard.

I sat there until the moon was high and the only light I had was coming from my string of Christmas lights that run along with the trim on the roof and follow the path to the house. I accomplished little with my canvas, apart from a few erased sketches, blue painted corners, and one pair of ruined jeans.

Walking inside I picked up my phone. 6 more messages…

The last one only says ”Hey, I love you…”

~A.G~

Always confused… 4

I needed this.

I needed to sit here and feel the sand beneath my feet, taste the salt in the air and let the breeze clear you from my thoughts.

My phone buzzed right before it died, you texted that you were on your way and apologized for being late. The screen went black before I could read the rest of it… I do miss you. I want to see you… but damn I’m so confused right now.

A couple is walking their dog along the waters edge. She’s splashing in the tide as is comes in and goes out, she’s just a pup and a cute one at that.

I wish my phone was charged. I feel the pull to text you back and tell you where I am, or to go back to the hotel and wait just a little longer for you. But no.

I’m not leaving this spot. Even if I just sit here and cry… I’m staying here…

The couple has walked so far down the beach I can’t see them anymore, but I can still hear the pup barking and playing in the distance.

I wonder what time it is? I have to have been here for at least a half hour or better.

My phone is still dead. Not sure why I even look at it, I know I haven’t charged it. I haven’t left this spot but to scoot back a little bit further from the tide.

I wish you’d just show up and hug me right now. Like you know me well enough to know that I would be here…

It’s so quiet right now.

Emma?

My heart just sunk and I think I’m going to be sick.

What are you doing out here?

Mike?!

I turned to look over my shoulder, and there he stood. His hands in the pocket of his hoodie and his shoulders slightly shrugged like he was feeling a little chilled, or nervous.

How? How did you know I was here?

I’m tossed between feeling scared and yet madly in love with the fact that you showed up and found me here.

He sat down beside me and pulled me close to him in one of those tight “I’ve got you” hugs that always make me melt to pieces with the feeling of safety and comfort.

I took a wrong turn and I saw your car while I was getting turned around. How come you’re not answering your phone? I tried to call you.

It died. And I forgot my charger. I inhaled his cologne as I squeezed his chest closer to me. Fuck.

He kissed my forehead.

So… what are you doing out here?

I don’t know. Honestly, I don’t know.

I moved back a bit to the spot I had been sitting in. As much as I want to stay curled up in his arms… I don’t think I can handle it right now.

Hey. I know. I know it’s not easy with us.

But damn Emma, I don’t want to be apart from you. I am happy with you. Do we need more than that?

Do we?

If only I could tell you why this is so hard for me. I want to tell you so much… but right now I just can’t.

But I can’t tell you that right now either… so I don’t.

~A.G~