By Bella Volkov

A raw telling that will leave you heartbroken and full of want. Some tales are meant to be told through tears and not softened for the public. For tears and scars tell the most honest things.

Monsters can come in many shapes and sizes, along with people we love and trust. Even the ones that keep giving us hope and dreams. My monster was someone who I loved so much and would do anything to be with him. Even hurting the people that truly loved me and wanted the very best for me. This monster knows who he is and knows what he has done to us, but he does not know how I felt.

Back when I was a little girl around six or seven years old, I was living with my mom in an apartment complex. We were on the second floor and we could see the road right out our door. It was fun living with my mom. I got to almost do anything I wanted and it was nice sharing a bed with her. Yet that is when all my happy memories from that little apartment changed and I don’t remember much after that.

Because I blocked and locked everything away, and as I’m typing this out for you readers I can feel my chest getting tight and tighter. It’s getting harder for me to even swallow because all I want to do is scream but yet I know that won’t do me any good. I need to move on and let it go so that I can breathe and get over my fears. Just like so many people, I hate guns, but most of all I hate shotguns.

One day while my mom and I were out and about doing whatever it was. We finally come back to our tiny apartment and get all nice and comfy watching tv. I was resting my head on my mom’s lap or shoulder, cuddling a stuffed animal. Then we hear someone knocking on our door. I get off my mom and sit on the sofa playing with my stuffed toy and it walks in making what little happy moment we have slowly disappear. My mom takes it to the room to “talk” and turns the tv off. She tells me to stay where I am and to not move. Me not knowing what is going on I just nod my head and play with my stuffed toy.

A few minutes pass by and my stomach starts making a growling noise. I call for my mom and tell her that I am hungry. Yet I do not hear her or anything, and I get worried so I pull my stuffed animal closer to my chest. I start to slide off the sofa and make my way to our room, but with each step I take, I keep calling out for her. But I still do not hear her, and my voice starts to get scared and worried “Mommy I’m Hungry. I want a snack.”

Once I get to the door I open it and the lights are off, and I blink a few times to see better. Then I see her on the bed. “Mommy”

“Close the door!” a deep growl comes from behind her and I just run back to the sofa pulling my stuffed animal closer to my chest as tight as I can. Letting all the tears roll down my face, and whimpers echo into my ears to block all the noise.

Within minutes my mom is out of the room and has her arms around me kissing my head. I do not remember when or seeing it leave. However, the rest is a blur but to me, it felt as if the next day it came back with a plan. One moment they are talking, in the kitchen and then in the bathroom. While I was playing in our room, I do not know what was said but one thing for sure was the beast picked my mom up by the throat and slammed her onto the bathroom sink and her head into the mirror. I wanted to be strong and brave and save her from the beast. I got up and ran and started hitting the beast “Stop your hurting her!” I was screaming and hitting it, but I was too small all it did was take one hand to push me away causing me to hit my back on the bed frame. I knew from that moment that I could not save her no matter what I did because I was weak. I held my back as tears filled my eyes and down my cheek. I climbed onto the bed and grabbed my stuffed animal and screamed to stop. But when I did that I heard our shower door slam open and my mom screaming more. The beast threw her to the ground and grabbed her by her hair and reached into the shower. I wanted to try to save her again but I was scared and she just looked at me telling me not to move from the bed. Even if I did try to move my legs would not let me nor would my back from how hard I fell on the bed frame. My mom is kicking and trying to get free from the beast, her face is so red that I was wishing for a superhero to come and save us. No, one ever did save us because my mom had to beg for her life pinned between the door frame to the entrance of our bedroom and the beast’s legs keeping her there trapped holding the shotgun a few inches from her chest and her face. I was trying and scream “let her go!” and “Get off of her!” drowning out the beast’s growls and roars as it speaks to my mom begging for her life. I wish I could hear what was said, but all I can remember is that I was screaming and wanted this moment to be over with.

I do not remember how it stopped or when it ended because when I woke up the next day I did not remember what happened. Yet I kept questioning everything in my mind to be scared to speak or ask for help. Life went on for us but that day still lingers in the back of my mind. Making the beast a different person or a different monster. One dream was I was going hungry and wanted a snack to eat but the monster would not let me eat one bite. So I would steal something from the table and hide, but every time it would always end the same. Me waking up trying to remember where I am, what day it is, and how old I am.

But this memory is so burned into my mind that I can never forget it no matter how hard I try. It haunts me in my sleep, always changing locations, and yet still the same thing keeps happening. I try to change it every time but I fail every time and wake up scared and tears falling down my cheeks. I always tell myself that I am safe and that it is over and won’t happen.

Yet, I was not the only one traumatized, because it also haunts my mom too. However, she is stronger than me and can live on knowing what happened to her. Because she was able to find love from someone who showed her how to get over it. She is getting stronger and stronger and I wish I could have made life easier for her. But I was a child who wanted both of my parents to be together forever and ever. Yet, only one showed me what love is while the other showed me a monster side.

I am hoping by telling you that story that I am not alone, and that all the negative thoughts will finally leave my brain. Where I can let happy thoughts into my life and move on from this. Because I do not want this monster to keep haunting me as it did all through my life in high school. Where I wanted to kill myself because I thought I was not meant to be here in this lifetime. Every day when I would come home from school my mind would always have me thinking about jumping off the deck or falling from it. But deep down to my core I would hear a little voice saying “No”. Even when I wanted to try cutting myself, the little voice would not let me do it.

Yet whenever I had a scar or a wound I would pick the scab to see the blood and it helped me cope.

But today I am finally letting the Beast of a monster go out of my life because I no longer want to keep playing this game. Where my heart and my soul waste time on something that does nothing but keeps hurting us over and over.

Thank you for your time and for reading my story. I can breathe again.