My phone buzzed its way across the desk and lite up my room. There he was.
It’s been at least a week since we last talked. I told him I needed to be alone. I needed time to think and to organize my thoughts, and him trying to help me, wasn’t helpful at all.
Are you sleeping? Emma, can we talk yet?…
What put me on his mind tonight? Was he just bored?
I stumbled across the floor, forgetting where I had pushed some of the boxes to before my faint attempt at a good night’s sleep.
I took my phone to the living room, poured a cup of coffee and turned on my series of fairy lights that trailed across the walls, and traced out my living room. They gave the room just enough light read by and made me feel cozy whenever I turned them on. I turned the tv on and pressed play on the Detective Lynley episode I had been watching earlier.
Sitting down with my coffee, I looked around the room filled with partially packed boxes and the array of items I’d already changed my mind on and unpacked. I peeked at my phone as it chimed again reminding me I hadn’t opened the text messages… And I still didn’t want to, not yet.
Sighing out of frustration. I leaned back in my chair and sipped my coffee. Sleep wasn’t happening, so why not help me keep my mental state awakened with some caffeine.
He’s waiting on my decision. Whether or not I’m leaving or staying and what that means for us… And as the boxes scattered across my house and voicemails left unanswered show…I can’t make up my mind.
Mike makes me wonder if he is a smart move.
And that’s where my friends tell me I’m self-sabotaging.
I need to move in 2 months. And I have the option to transfer to one of two locations… One moving me to London, someplace I’ve always longed to visit, if not live. Truly a dream come true.
Or, one that keeps me close to him. A job just as good in every way except for the location of course. Nothing beats London views in my opinion. I’d be trading travel for staying put, and putting myself out there to try something that I’m more unsure about than moving to a different country.
Matters of the head / Matters of the heart.
Part of me wants London, it’s been a part of my life since my first memory. But then there’s Mike… And part of me wants to know how long this feeling will make it. Part of me knows that if I leave, I will be leaving a huge part of me behind and that I will always wonder ”what if”.
What if I tried…
What if I loosened up a bit and stopped living my life so planned out and tried the ”roll the dice and see where they land” lifestyle my mother keeps telling me would do me some good.
What if seems to be all I can come up with anymore.
Th legal pad sitting on my table doesn’t show signs of helping either. Page after page of lists and the infamous pros and cons column. I’m glad it’s only Friday night and I’ve got the weekend to work out my headspace in silence. Trying to battle with my head while keeping up face at work is not so very easy.
It seems everything is demanding my attention these days and nothing is getting the right amount of it…
Maybe I need to get out of here…